feeling blue.

I dont know if its the "hormones" or what, but I've been feeling pretty crappy lately. Well, the entire pregnancy so far has been harder than I could have ever imagined. I thought the beginning was bad, (getting emotional and having mood swings, just to name a FEW), but boy was I wrong. Sure, towards the end of the 3rd month I started feeling a little better, but that did not last long. It's gotten worse lately, I've cried almost everyday for the past few weeks. It's draining, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I get sad about things easily. I'm not normally this way so it's taking me some time to adjust. I've realized that the one that hurts me the most (unintentionally I suppose) is my bf.  Sometimes I feel like I'm in this alone. If we are talking and he raises his voice, or if he shakes his head or sighs, it affects me. I've told him that he should be more understanding and supportive, but it's like it goes in one ear and right out the other. Perhaps he does not know hot to be any of these, who knows.




Like today, he has the day off, no gig. I thought maybe he could come over to my house and help me with the fixing of my 'new' room. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that a while ago I traded rooms with my sister because I needed a bigger bedroom since I'm having a baby. There are a few things that I need to 'fix' though. For example, painting the walls. He knows I've been wanting to get this done for a while, and I've asked him plenty of times. He just says, sure I'll help you, but never really takes the initiative to tell me what day.

So I ask him today and ofcourse, he seemed reluctant. Then he asks, do you have the brushes? I'm like, "No, I dont :/" and he just puts his thumb and index finger in the bridge of his nose like squeezing his eyes as if he has a headache, and then lets out a big sigh.

I'm like... well, nevermind, it can wait... we can do it later. Then I tell him I gotta get some cleaning done so I'd talk to him later. And he's like "No!, you said you want to do it so lets do it now." I'm like.. "no really its ok." I mean, what the fuck does he expect??? its always the same shit with him, he never wants to help out, he doesn't 'take care of things' like that, like boyfriends should. I don't feel him as a loving, caring, supportive boyfriend. And I'm tired of always asking him. How would you feel if you were in my shoes? do you really want someone that obviously does not want to help, to go help you?... it's like... ok fine! fuck you! I'll do it myself!

It just made me really sad and I just had to get away from him because I hate crying in front of people. I tried really hard to hold it in but all the way home I had tears rolling down my face. Am I overreacting?

I keep thinking "is he really the one"... and it scares me to think that, but I'm confused. Again, I dont know if this has anything to do with "hormones" at all or not.. I'm exhausted.